My high-needs baby

Of all the questions I get asked, my least favourite is:

“Is he your first?”

Because what I’m really being asked is:

“Are you a neurotic new mother, or are you an experienced parent?”

Consequently whenever I've said things like “I can’t put him down”, “he’s a really light sleeper” or “he’s either ecstatic or miserable” I've received slightly condescending looks followed by advice that begins “have you tried…” (“have you tried taking him for a walk in the pram?” No. No, I am such an inexperienced parent I did not think of that.)

I often got raised eyebrows when I would race to hobbitbaby when he woke up with a cry (clearly as I was a neurotic first-time mum). When he was about 4 months old the health visitor asked me, head tilted slightly, “what would happen if you left him?” my response was “He would cry louder and louder and louder” as I raced up the stairs to get him. I don’t think she believed me. But I didn’t really care - I knew leaving him in the hope he’s settle down again would mean peeling him off the ceiling later, which would take 40 minutes as opposed to 40 seconds.

People are happy to say “Mum knows best”, but it doesn’t seem to apply the first time around. (In which case it’s “mum knows best, but I know better”).

I’m clearly bitter about this.

However, HB has been having some bedtime ants-in-his-nappy issues which have lasted about 2 months (I reckon a slightly delayed 8 month sleep regression), so while he was taking a nap this week I braced myself and googled bedtime sleep issues. After reading that I should have him in his own room, and that he should be self-soothing to sleep more times than I could stomach, I gave up and confronted his other sleep issue - that he is an insanely light sleeper.

As a light sleeper, daytime naps are a hassle. I gave up trying to get him to sleep in his cot when he was about 3.5 months old and his vision came in - suddenly everything was fascinating and he just could not switch off. And the tireder he got, the less he was able to fall asleep. And when he did eventually fall asleep it would only be for 20 minutes. Visiting friends became impossible. Just what I needed.

But put him in the buggy and go for a walk, and he’d be asleep in 20 minutes. And the buggy could come with me to a friends’ house. I could get out!! So, buggy naps it became. But it quickly became evident that bringing him inside was not an option. If getting him over the threshold didn’t wake him, quietly closing a door or creeping, bare-footed, past the pram would be enough to wake him. If a friend had kids, it was a no-go. He had to stay outside. It was risky, as a group of kids going past, a lawnmower starting up or a gust of wind would also wake him - but it was my best option.

But now it’s May and lawnmower season proper has begun. Getting him to stay asleep is a nightmare. What do I do??

Finally, I get to the crux of this rant: that Dr. Sears is my hero.

High-needs babies

Having Googled “baby is a light sleeper” I found a page titled “12 features of a high-needs baby”. “Hmmm” I thought “high-needs sounds a bit extreme… not sure this applies to me.” But as I read, I teared up. And as tears rolled silently down my face I realised that all twelve of these features applied to hobbitbaby. I was not a neurotic first time mum, I was not making it up - he was harder work than your average baby.

What I read, in short is that Dr Sears, a paediatrician, and his wife had 3 ‘normal’ babies, before having a fourth ‘high-needs’ baby. Suddenly he realised that the desperate parents in his surgery were not being dramatic. Baby #4 would not be put down, she did not sleep through the night, she CRIED.

In retrospect, we realized that the babies who came before [baby #4] had high needs, too, in some areas. We had met those needs as best we could, knowing what we knew then. The difference between those babies and [baby #4] was not only a difference in need levels; she also had the forceful personality to let us know just what she needed.

From the very start I’d said that HB had a forceful personality. In the hospital, on the day he was born, he would not be put down in the little wheely crib. There’s a photo, 4 days later of me lying in bed with him nestled next to me - the first time he wasn’t ‘on’ a person since he was born, and the result of a bunch of advice about not holding your baby too much, and about 2 hours spent trying to peel him off me. It was also the last time I attempted it for a while. I think it was the only time he got put down in his first 2 months of life as I just couldn’t handle the battle.

And of course I got plenty of questioning looks at this time about not putting him down. First-time mum, eh? Well.

But he is also a complete live spark, and the most engaging baby in most rooms. He is a complete charmer. He makes everyone laugh with his complete zest for life and commitment to his excursions (I WILL get to that sofa and put this ball under it *determined face* crawlcrawlcrawl). Live is never dull, and I never thought a 10 month old baby would be able to make me roll around laughing, but he does.

What to do?

The reason I bring this up at all, apart from wanting to share the info for other people with similarly-temperamented babies, is that the advice for dealing with this typeof baby is to practice attachment parenting. Wear your baby, feed it when it needs it, co-sleep so that you get enough sleep to handle the daytimes.

I also feel that into this fits Montessori. With such a driven and emotional child I feel his need for boundaries. He also needs deep understanding, and order to his environment. I need to ‘follow the child’ as Montessori purports. Everything is easier if I intuit what he’s interested in, and what he needs.

So, on I go with my journey. I cannot seem to learn enough quick enough to satisfy either my curiosity or my son’s needs. Are there Montessori courses near Oxford? If there are, I want to know!