#day4 Struggling.

I wrote this last night when I was feeling distinctly low about the whole Whole30 thing. I thought about not posting it, as it's pretty personal and a bit ranty - but you know what, this is how I was feeling, and I don't want to censor that. This 30-day challenge is a voyage into uncharted territory, and I want to chart it as it happens - the downs as well as the ups.

So...

It’s #day4 and I’m having a tough time. I’m mostly putting this down to spending last night and some of this morning writing a short article that has been swiftly rejected by it's target publication – there’s nothing like a bit of rejection to put me in a low mood.

It’s times like this I get very critical of my abilities. One rejection can feel like a ton of bricks has been dumped on your confidence. I’m 30, and have no income, no house, no kids. My health is hugely unreliable, and I’m currently infertile. I’m highly specialised in something very few people are actually interested in – either inside or outside of academia. I’m not sure I even see science as a good use of the planet’s resources sometimes. I want to be self-employed, but don’t have any presently useful skills, and sometimes have so little self-confidence I just don’t see how I could do it anyway. I’m bored with food, and am not yet convinced this #whole30 thing is worth it. I’m constantly hungry, I’m still bloated, my skin is awful, my hair looks thin, my glands are up, and last night I’m pretty sure I felt the tingle of a cold sore. I’m distinctly grumpy.

What I really want right now is to go eat a pack of American-style chocolate cookies, which thankfully I don’t have the motivation to go buy. I know I’d regret it afterwards, but I do at least know I’d enjoy eating them. I guess that’s the problem with food addictions: food doesn’t criticise, doesn’t question. It just makes you feel better, albeit for a short while, when you're feeling rubbish. That’s why you get addicted.

Ugh.